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18.01.2022


Am I the only now who feels really drained at the minute?

I don’t know what or how this is, but it feels like January is both speeding recklessly and moving painfully slowly. I think an easier way to describe it is like the moments before an accident - everything is hurtling towards chaos or destruction but the moments before it actually happens feel like a lifetime… That’s what I’m feeling at the moment.


What’s crazier is that I went from feeling great and balanced to completely overwhelmed, pretty instantaneously. I feel like I’ve given too much energy to everyone but me. I feel like in some situations, others have taken advantage of the energy that they know I can give and intentionally have given less. I feel like I have not been careful to take care of myself enough in wanting to take care of other people.


This feeling usually drains me and I’m able to get over it pretty quickly but there’s something different about feeling it now.


I managed to start the year feeling good. Resting enough, being mindful and conscious of how I move through the world. I managed to have one on one time with friends that I genuinely love and better than that, I managed to freely and openly express myself with them. Great start to the year, right? Obvs.


Here’s the thing, though. I got very comfortable with that comfort (which is a good thing - you should lean into good feelings and really be present in them) and as soon as something happened that threw me - I was very thrown.


(I apologise, this really is a stream of consciousness today because that’s just where my head is at the moment)


I had my first low day of the year yesterday and then a night of terrible sleep and scary sleep paralysis. Experiencing a low after an extended period of positivity can really throw you and especially if you suffer with anxiety and depression, like I do, can totally change the way you see the world for more than just that day / those moments of lowness.

All of a sudden, the sun shines less brightly. Fresh air feels heavy or stale. Food loses its taste and you lose your appetite. Getting up and out of bed feels like wading through a vat of treacle and every effort you have to make could bring you to tears at any moment.


This is how I’m feeling.


Worse still, I find myself getting annoyed for feeling this way. I find myself saying, “You’ve been great all this time so why are you letting this happen?”. I think we all do that to ourselves a little, right?

The truth is, we don’t let things happen. Things happen and we can choose how to react to them. We can’t predict a great night’s sleep, a tummy bug, a bad reaction to a new substance or what may or may not trigger us. We go through life in control of only ourselves and the ways in which we decide to process things.


So while I am feeling low right now, I know I can turn it around. It won’t be instant. It won’t be easy. I know, for sure, that it also won’t mean that I’m just constantly or steadily happy but it’s something.

Today, I will practice extra gratitude for all the small things so I can bring myself back to me. I will practice gratitude so I can remind myself of what the world actually looks like. I will bring myself back into the real world. Open myself up to it all and be grateful for it all. I will do this until the colour comes back into my world, the warmth returns to my body, tastes and scents are full-bodied, rich and lovely again. Maybe if you’re reading this and feeling similar, this practice will help pick you up too.


So here goes:

I am grateful for the sun shining.

I am grateful for the mild weather.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for my ability to communicate (even when I’m feeling low).

I am grateful for my room.

I am grateful for having the means to create a space for myself that really feels like me.

I am grateful for my biological and chosen family.

I am grateful for the ability to connect with so many people through my work.

I am grateful for the ability to see, recognize and understand that even in the thick of it, the bad moments will pass.

I am grateful for my strength and vulnerability.

I am grateful for my ability to feel.

I am grateful for my life.

I’m gonna go try have a better day than yesterday now.

I hope you have a good day too.

D x

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