Heyhey! I'm Back!
It’s been a whole 9 months.
Well, 9 months and 12 days since I last posted on here.
I’d apologise but I don’t think there’s any need. Rather, what I would like to do is share some things with you and set the tone for the year to come.
My post in March was a video that I’d created to let people know that they are loved and cherished - even if they don’t necessarily feel it all the time. It was created to give love and light and hope to those who watched it but the person who created it - me - wasn’t giving love to themselves.
I was so focused on being a positive ray of light to others that I actually forgot that in order to really be that for someone it starts with me. I got really low for a time - frustrated with work again, feeling like I was creating to make money and not to communicate which was the whole point of my creating. To inspire and create conversation so I would feel less alone but in getting caught up in being good for others (while not really being all that good to myself) I was actually isolating myself from everyone.
With every instance in which I said yes to something for someone else and put my feelings aside, I felt more resentment. With every instance in which I minced my words or chose the more “PR friendly” course of action, I found myself feeling more sad and drained.
It wasn’t until I managed to get out of London for more than a day or two - the first time in a long time (almost 2 years, I think) - that I was able to hear my own voice. I was able to wake up and think about what I wanted. What I wanted to create. How much energy I wanted to give to social interactions. Most importantly, I was away from all relationships I already knew and of which I had an entrenched perception of the dynamics within them. I was around new people who needed me to communicate exactly how I was feeling so we could be on the same page. This was my turning point of 2021.
Due to the fact that we were all there to create something beautiful we had to give our full selves. We had to say, I’m not comfortable with that or I don’t want to do that and those on the receiving end had to be able to take that as a completely objective statement of feeling - no ego involved - and come up with a solution.
I didn’t know any of these people. We’d met once before heading out of London to create together but it felt like we had hit on what friendships should actually be like all the time. We weren’t making anything about us in particular - when we were together, we were a group moving towards a common goal and more than anything wanting to make sure everyone was good and comfortable along the way.
It made me think about my friendships and the dynamic I had inadvertently created within them. Making myself the ‘mother’ or provider in some way and stifling my own thoughts and feelings so others could feel okay. And that was the thing - they would feel okay for a little bit and then more ‘repair’ work was needed because while well-intended, my ‘fixes’ were that of the quick fix nature. A good feeling couldn’t last because one person cannot provide all the good, happiness, joy, fixes, etc.
Something had to change - so I decided I would. Upon coming back, I decided to just speak more freely. Remind people that I was stating my feelings but ultimately, not hold any punches or veil any truths.
It made me feel lighter. I was able to relax more because rather than hold my tongue while trying to hold everything and everyone together, I was able to just speak my thoughts, offer advice if asked for it and then leave the situation. Not everything should concern us all the time.
This learning to speak truthfully and without trepidation allowed me to see so much.
It allowed me to see which people were only happy to be around me so long as my boundaries still gave them all the access they wanted. It allowed me to see where I had actively silenced myself and hindered the development of an honest relationship due to wanting to appease the other person / people. It allowed me to hear myself and say what I wanted and needed for the first time - truthfully.
In the time since that post in March, I’ve flourished, I think. I forge stronger and deeper relationships with those around me because I am giving me to myself and then letting my truth flow through me - from the hairs on my head to the soles of my feet.
I’ve come into myself. In March, I thought I was there. I thought I was done.
I wasn’t. I still am not. In being able to be honest with myself and to truly listen to and embrace my voice, I know that I am going to keep evolving. I know that there will be things that I think I am for now, that I won’t be for in future because I’ll learn more or experience more and that will shift my perspective to a new plain.
I feel more stable in accepting that nothing really is stable. I feel calmer.
I feel more ready to share with you.
I’ll be more consistent in 2022 - and if I feel I can’t for any reason, you’ll know about it.
The lessons here:
Honesty is everything but it really does wonders when you’re able to be honest with yourself first.
Boundaries are important - not only for safeguarding your mental health and wellbeing but for showing you who really should have access to you.
Taking a break from your usual setting is incredibly important.
Don’t ever think you’ve got it fully in the bag. The only constant in life is change and growth is a state of change in itself. If you’re not growing / changing in some way or other, you’re not living.
Hope you bring in the New Year in the best way in which you can and with those you love and value!
See you in 2022.